NATALIE REBECCA LOVEJOY
"Mrs. Force Astor Dick" (Madeleine Astor's Song)
Your honor, I’m here to file for divorce from my husband, Enzo Fiermonte, on the grounds of extreme cruelty. I know you’ve read the papers, and I know what you’re going to say: “A man half your age leaving you for a younger woman does not qualify as ‘extreme cruelty,’ Mrs. Fiermonte.” Oh, and that’s another thing...I wish to petition to change my name.
“MADELEINE FORCE ASTOR DICK”
I KNOW THAT IT'S A LITTLE LONG,
BUT MAKE IT WORK, AND MAKE IT QUICK,
AND THEN WE'LL GET TO WHAT WENT WRONG.
“MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK”
STILL NOT AS LONG AS IT COULD BE.
I TRIED, BUT I JUST COULDN'T PICK -
EACH ONE IS A PART OF ME.
“FORCE” WAS FATHER, STRONG AND BOLD,
AND I UNTIL EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD,
WHEN ALL THAT MATTERED WAS CLIMBING THE LADDER
OF HIGH SOCIETY.
GROOMED AND GOVERNED ALL MY LIFE
TO ONE DAY BE A RICH MAN'S WIFE,
AND WHILE I'M STILL YOUNG TO REACH THE TOP RUNG,
BUT FORGET ABOUT VARIETY.
“MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK”
IS READY FOR HER NEW DEBUT.
WHICH BOX DO I HAVE TO TICK?
WE'VE BOTH GOT OTHER THINGS TO DO.
“MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK”
KINDA TAKES MY BREATH AWAY.
HE SAID I COULDN'T CHERRY PICK,
HE SAID HE'D HAVE THE FINAL SAY.
NOW I HAD SUITORS, YES I DID,
LIKE BILL DICK SINCE I WAS A KID,
BUT COLONEL ASTOR MOVED A LOT FASTER.
SUCH FIRE WHEN WE KISSED!
HE WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY DAD,
BUT THE PAPERS MADE IT SOUND SO BAD!
SO JUST AS I'D BEGUN, I WAS FLUNG OFF THE RUNG,
AND ‘THE LIST’ - AND NOW I DON'T EXIST.
You know, the Social Register? It's this little semi-annual publication where they write your name if you're a somebody...a somebody who is not about to marry a divorced man more than twice her age. If you're not in there, you might as well be dead!
“MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK,”
NO, “FORCE” ALONE WOULD NEVER DO.
“MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK”
YOU SEE, I'VE DONE A THING OR TWO.
“MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK”
THEY SAY A LADY HAS JUST ONE,
BUT I HAVE BUILT THIS BRICK BY BRICK,
AND ONLY I KNOW WHEN IT'S DONE.
But it didn't matter - I was the new “Mrs. Astor”! We went on a European honeymoon to escape the press and came back on a little ship called the Titanic. Maybe you've heard of it? You’ve also probably heard that there was no room for him on the lifeboat. I came home a pregnant widow to a five million dollar trust, mine so long I remained the new “Mrs. Astor” ‘til my dying day. Except I wasn’t ready to be dead!
SO I WED WILLY DICK –
OH, GOD, THAT NAME...
LOTS OF WARMTH,
BUT NOT MUCH FLAME,
BUT NOW I'M BACK ON THE LIST
AND BACK IN THE GAME
WHERE THEY'RE COLD, THEN THEY'RE HOT,
YOU'RE GOLD, THEN YOU'RE LEAD.
DO WHAT YOU'RE TOLD,
OR IT'S OFF WITH YOUR HEAD.
AND NOW I'M FORTY YEARS OLD,
AND STILL NOT READY TO BE DEAD.
Enter: Enzo! He was a dark and handsome Italian prize-fighter whom my husband had hired to teach boxing to our sons. Pause for irony. Enzo and I went to Reno for my divorce. After we were married, he turned to me and said,
“Darling, what are we going to do about your name?” You see, the papers liked referring to me as “Mrs. Force Astor Dick Fiermonte,” which drove him mad. He thought they were mocking him. He insisted the I should only be “Mrs. Fiermonte.” I agreed.
MADELEINE FORCE,
MADELEINE ASTOR,
MADELEINE DICK,
MADELEINE FIERMONTE -
WILL THE REAL MADELEINE PLEASE ARISE?
MADELEINE FORCE,
MADELEINE ASTOR,
MADELEINE DICK,
MADELEINE FIERMONTE -
HOW CAN ALL OF THEM BE ME,
YET NOT A SINGLE ONE APPLIES?
The Social Register didn't like all of those names either, and, once again, there was no room for someone like me on The List. I was removed. Who needs them telling me what to do? I had Enzo!
ENZO - HOW HE LOVED ME SO,
UNTIL I STARTED SAYING “NO.”
NOW HE'S ONLY PLEASANT WHEN OTHERS ARE PRESENT.
STILL, I DON'T WANNA SEE.
NOW HE'S STARTED THROWING STONES.
HE BREAKS MY HEART, THEN BREAKS MY BONES.
HE GRABS MY HAIR AND CALLS ME A WHORE,
SAYS IT'S ALL MY FAULT, AND UNLESS I WANT MORE
I SHOULD BEG ON MY KNEES, OR HE'S OUT THE DOOR -
SO WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
AND I SAID...
“'MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK' -
THAT'S IS HOW I WILL BE KNOWN.
YOUR NAME ALWAYS MADE ME SICK,
AND NOW WILL DIE WITH YOU ALONE.
'MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK' -
THAT'S THE NAME THAT THEY'LL RECALL.
'MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK' -
IT'S LIKE YOU NEVER WERE AT ALL.”
“MRS. FORCE ASTOR DICK”
NO FORCE ON EARTH COULD MAKE ME STAY.
THEY'LL BALK, BUT I DON'T GIVE A LICK -
THEY NEVER LIKED ME ANYWAY.
FORCE – ASTOR – DICK
WRITE IT ON MY TOMB:
“MADELEINE FORCE ASTOR DICK” -
YOU BETTER NOT RUN OUT OF ROOM.
